Needs

This morning I woke up with a overwhelming NEED to hold my boy.  My normal routine is to get up & jump in the shower real quick before I let the little distruct-o-con out of his crib...but this morning the force pulling me to him was too great.  I walked into his room & was instantly greeted with his perfect little smile.  I snatched him up and sat on his bedroom floor.  His norm is to give me quick hug, make a kissy sound and bolt out the door to destruct.  But today he hugged, and hugged & hugged.  And patted my back to match the pats I was giving him.  It hit me.  It was 4 years ago today that we almost lost him.  I squeezed him a little tighter...he squeezed back.  I pulled away from him & said, "thank you for fighting for us...we need you buddy".  As if he knew exactly what I was saying (I choose to believe he did), he gave me a belly rolling laugh as if to say "silly mommy...I wasn't going anywhere", kissed me on the nose, and jumped up to start his day of destruction.

It's funny the things that take me back to what we went thru.  Every time I hear a MedStar helo go overhead I cringe a little knowing someones life just got turned upside.  I CAN'T buy Pampers for Jake or anyone else...because that was what was used at Children's.  Peanut butter M&M's & Hot Tamales were my source of food because I could sneak them into the ICU in my pockets...every time I have them it takes me there...just for a second.  The smell of a certain hand sanitizer makes my stomach turn because of the gallons we used while in Seattle.  And every time I hear a little baby cry a little too hard my heart skips a beat...because that is what took Jake's last breath before he coded.  He cried too hard & his little body couldn't catch up because it had been fighting so hard for so long...it gave up.  Obviously I have 100 times more positive things that remind me of happier things, but I don't think the this day & these memories will ever escape me. 

So today I feel incredibly blessed that I was able to have these memories, hug my boy, and go on with our day...because our story could have been very different.