Saturday, April 14, 2012

It's been awhile

Since my last post (way back in November), I had lost my blog writing mojo. But I think I've got it back. All thanks to Kelle Hampton and her amazing new book Bloom. It took me back to a place I haven't been in a long time. Or at least what feels like a long time. The cold, sterile hospital room, the darkness, the pain, the confusion, and the guilt. The mantras of "this might be ok", & "it is what it is". The massive amounts of denial. Calling therapy "school" & trying to make my big girl follow suit...all to make myself feel better. It's funny looking back at some of the things I said, did, and made up in my own mind to make myself feel better about our unique family. But I guess those are the things we have to do as humans to make it to the next day. There were times I wasn't sure I wanted to know what the next day was going to bring. But the next day always came...and we made it thru. Sometimes we reach for answers from places that might not be so "normal" or "accepted" for guidance or piece of mind, or just the sheer power to make it thru another day. I found my latest in the form of a psychic. Yes, a psychic. Roll your eyes, tell me it's all fake, it rolls right off me. This girl knew her stuff. I've never been into the whole psychic thing, but this experience has opened up my mind...a little. If nothing else comes from it, she told me that Jake would surprise us in his abilities of what he can do. Did I walk away thinking he will be the President of the United, but I did walk away with the thought that maybe I am under estimating him. Maybe I am setting limits in my own mind to what he could be or do. Just like being open minded enough to go to a psychic reading, I need to be way more open minded about the potential my children have. To the potential that Zach & I have for each other and ourselves.
I'm having this moment of "what's stopping you" feeling about myself, life in general. Like all the things I've been saying I want to do, or I'm going to do...but conveniently find a grand excuse for each and every one of them. So, here is my 3 year (odd time frame I know but I like it) get off your butt and make it happen list:
1. Go back to school
2. Go to PA. to meet Jennifer & Tyson in person
Yes, there are only two items on my "to do" list, but they are BIG to do's. I have a 3rd that I am entertaining, but I want it to be in my own will, with no outside influences.
Chuck E Cheese's has put this girl in a mind numbing state of laziness, so off to put little people to bed I go!